Experiences of a new mom

If I put my mind to it I could write a book about my 2 1/2-weeks worth of experiences as a new mom; but ever since we got Kabeer home I haven't had the time to indulge in idle thought & therefore the book will have to wait. I could however put this quick post together.

The first week back at home was what I call the "tornado week". Complete chaos & panic. By the end of the week, we had begun to believe that everything we're doing is wrong & that we're the worst parents ever. Particularly on that fateful night when Kabeer howled & cried for 5 hours at a stretch & we were close to tears ourselves (all the books & websites said that the baby's brain development is directly linked to the amount of milk intake & sleep he gets; and I was beginning to get worried that my baby is going to have a brain the size of a pea).

The first week was also the peak of excitement. Even when Kabeer was napping, we would stand by his crib & watch him sleep & admire his sleepy expressions.

By the second week came the realisation that exhaustion catches up with you & that sleeping is important. I also realised that there are two kinds of moms -- the ones who stress too much & the others who don't. I probably am the worst kind of mom in the first category, although I so want to be the bindaas mom of the second category. Having realised that I'm stressing too much, didn't help though; as I still continue to stress over my struggles with breast feeding (by the way, whoever said that breastfeeding is a natural instinct is going to rot in hell) & the erraticness of Kabeer's sleep.

It's week #3. I can't remember when was the last time I had a peaceful nap or a peaceful anything for the matter. Yet, whenever I'm not with Kabeer, I miss him.

Kabeer

Although I thought "Lollipop" would be the most apt name for our baby, we decided to stick to something more conventional & respectable in the long run; that's how we landed on "Kabeer".

In Islam, "Kabeer" is one of the names of Allah. "Kabeer" was also a 15th century mystic poet & spiritualist in India, who famously avoided all formal religions & disassociated himself with fundamentalism in spirituality. He drew from Hinduism, Islam, Buddhism & Sufism, but advocated that God can be found by anyone who seeks Him.

O Servant, where dost thou seek Me?
Lo! I am beside thee.
I am neither in temple nor in mosque:
I am neither in Kaaba nor in Kailash:
Neither am I in rites and ceremonies, nor in Yoga.
If thou art a true seeker, thou shalt at once see Me:
thou shalt meet Me in a moment of time.
Kabîr says, "O Sadhu! God is the breath of all breath.
—SONGS OF KABÎR, translated by Rabindranath Tagore
(Source: wikipedia)

He's here!

April 2, 2009. 8.20 am. When the moment came, it was surreal; it was like a scene out of a movie. It was a feeling, an experience like none before; I could barely believe it was happening to me.

She held him
For the very first time,
His head in her arms
His palms locked into fists,
"What do I do now
With a thing so precious?"

Then, as if by instinct
She lifted him to her lips,
And a kiss
So soft but deep in touch,
Magically replaced that cord
Severed only a while ago.